damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Do not levitate over flowers
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
For the baby who has everything
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
#math