Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
They did not think through this water fountain
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date