There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Driving in Europe vs Canada
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I’d love this before and after shot…lol