me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.