There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
a fate I wish upon no one
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall