Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know