Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
when you order from DoorDastardly
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My dad is at it again
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.