I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I did not eat the cake…
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.