Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
He-man has a Masters degree
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food