H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal