Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.