If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I get distracted pretty eas
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”