[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.