It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
You Might Also Like
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.