BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-