Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
normalize having existential bread
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.