[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
They got a point!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.