You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”