Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.