I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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In banana years, I am bread.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
asked my bf how work was today
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once