2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*