If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
The Book. The Movie.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up