Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
You Might Also Like
haha same
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
What?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Oh no
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.