before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Yup.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The best shot in the history of golf
This was a bad idea all around
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical