me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Camping tip: No.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.