“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me