I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO