you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
no regrets
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own