[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You know…for fall…
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.