Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Brb my Sims are getting married