besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
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an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
twitter is a journey
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life