(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
This guy’s not having it 😆
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.