Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to