Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.