A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Left at a local drug store…
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.