The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.