4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
He took my last fry, your honor
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.