Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
You Might Also Like
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
no refunds
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The Friday File.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me trying to reach for my goals
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that