I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?