Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
good work, everybody
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!