I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado