*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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“I’m helping” 😅
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.