[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.