Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.