Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
You Might Also Like
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
He鈥檚 a 10 but so is his volume.
If there鈥檚 a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
let鈥檚 discuss
this has done me in for some reason
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
*meets someone from France*
I鈥檓 a big fan of your toast!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
i actually laughed 馃槱
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I鈥檓 burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that鈥檚 organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn鈥檛 fit on one line.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
We鈥檙e all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.