“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.