Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
What about second breakfast?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.