Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.