I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
something like this could probably happen to anyone
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…