‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Webb. James Webb.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]